Mina is having dishwasher trouble. She reached out for ways to torture a dishwasher. After some back and fourth she landed on Custard in the water line

The creators of the only vegetarian lunch option at my father’s local shop are the bakers of bath, supplying me with my much loved cheese and salad sandwiches. The salad is fresh, as it should be but completely overpowered by the two giant slabs of cheddar laid as the foundation. At first I found this comical but now its becoming tiring, removing a metric tonne of cheese out from between the buttered slices. I glance down at the label to make sure I have infact bought the salad sandwich and not cheese supreme. I’m not kidding like 2cm thick cheese

Radio alarm clicks on
Good morning children of Low. It’s 6am, the sun is shinning bright with a steady wind speed of 2mph. Today we’ll see highs of 12 and lows of 10.

Before we continue with morning announcements would the quick response team please report to the kitchen and tend to a high pressure water leak as it appears your father is not a plummer. I repeat, your father is not and never has been a plummer.

dashes out of bed

Next up, did you drop a concrete beam on your hand yesterday? Our polls suggest 1 third if you did!

Today I was defeated by a blind. Not the kind with the sticks, a bathroom blind – although I think I’d have had a better chance cutting and hanging a blind man over a window than I did this length of material. It wasn’t that it was difficult work just that it was frustrating, it frustrated me how complex, how well engineered yet totally unusable this thing was. Just cut it down to size and pop it straight up . I know I’d be a terrible surgeon because of how my hands lose interest after 2 seconds of something going wrong. Strong steady, well intentioned movements drift into who gives a fuck about this anyway kind of gestures.

My dad assumed I was left handed today, when I corrected him and told him no one in our family was and I’ve always been right handed he gave a puzzled look followed by “well you used to be”. Now I look at my left hand like an old friend I have more in common with than I once thought.

No mole no fee,
And question not will mole or thee,
Thy find a squirrel, thy leave it be.

Mouses, foxes and little shrews,
Are not for me to be amused.

I hunt the blind,
For peace of mind,
And charge my patron if I so find.

By Matthew Low