Francis and his oldest brother celebrate at the success of Joseph’s new found skill for international drug smuggling whilst Matthew blows cigarette smoke into the bathroom extractor.

So there’s more than one Matthew Low out there.

I’m hands down the coolest but a close second is Matthew Low Consultant Physiotherapist with Matthew Low Bluebell Capital Partners coming in third. That lad’s kinda letting us down with boring job and all but we move.

Now, the Matthew Low that I spend most of my time thinking about is the anonymous M L who is constantly publishing academic reports. I know this because every time he churns one out, I get an automated email notification from Academia saying ‘are you the clever clogs who wrote this?‘ which I’m often not.

I was thinking about this guy a few weeks back and I caught myself like, am I fucking jealous of this guy and his academic success? I used to find comfort in the fact that I don’t have to hold myself to those standards because there’s already a ML who is. That spot’s covered, position filled – I can just keep doing the shit I enjoy, no worries. But to break into the Matthew Low academic hall of fame I’m competing against a pretty well-regarded guy in his field which leads me down the path of reading some of these reports to figure out how out-paced I am and what kinda field this guy is actually in. Turns out the lad just writes about birds. Fucking birds ffs I thought he was out here as a physics genius or something but no, his latest work was ‘Laying gaps in the New Zealand Stitchbird’.

Idk about you but I don’t give a fuck about the New Zealand Stitchbird and it pisses me off that there’s an ML that does. Fuck. I mean I’m glad he’s found his thing but come on Matt, if there’s a Matthew Low hall of fame his frame is being used to prop open the door for sure. There’s ML Physiotherapist who I hear is doing great work with the NHS, ML COO who’s a lil finance magician, me who can do all three Metro Suduko’s in under 5 mins flat and then this fucking bird whisperer.

I’m sure he’s a great guy and all but I’ll have to bring this up at our next annual meeting.

Or maybe I’m just threatened by him, this man has found his thing and he’s sticking to it. He’s probably a sound guy, no doubt has a chick (haha) and a few little nestlings of their own. I should take a twig from his nest.

I need to find a Matthew Low War Criminal or Crack Addict to make myself feel better about who I am and what I’m known for in the ML hall of fame. 

Actually, scratch that I’m pretty great plus I’m running every damn day and I cooked the best fucking meal today and this carbon credits project is gonna make me a fucking gazillionaire

Blog ideas in my notes this week were:

Women’s football > Men’s football

fancy fantastic Mr Fox wife 

MMA = gay sex w/ clothes

I’ll save them for a later date tho

Mrs. Fox is a fox though oh my days

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2 consecutive dreams about your unattainable crush is just such a Stella way to start ya Sunday 

When I was a wee lil youngster I loved Star Wars. Twas the tits.

I was around 7/8ish when my dad brought home this metallic replica lightsaber and I was gassed. He threw in this casual comment that acted as a cornerstone of my life for a good 3 years, “All we need now is a Dilithium Crystal to make it work”.

So I’m all like ah okay yeah I’ll keep an eye out for one hanging around. 2 years go by and I’ve thought of a thousand ways to use these dilithium crystals in the modern world, completely astonished by the fact that no one has dared attempt to utilise their full power. Industrial drilling equipment, using their lasers to power satellites hundreds of lightyears away from earth, cutting up asteroids to pull them into earth’s gravitational field, intercontinental missile interception, blah blah blah – you name it, I had plans and scribbles of it in my room. And then one day, years later I’m sat on the sofa watching the Chilean Miners on the news with my Dad, and it went like this

33 men stuck in a hole

Matt: why don’t they just use Dilithium Crystals to drill the hole?

Dad: well they’re not real

Matt:

Dad: 

Matt:

Dad:

Matt: crushed

Dear Diary, worst day of my fucking life…

The End

I’m running again. Don’t really have a choice, I do the whole ‘when you think about XYZ you gotta run, them be the rules matt’.

I love running. There was a time a few years back when I left to run and felt like I was running towards heaven then my watch beeped telling me to turn back and it was like I was running back to hell.

I like running on the road, so often I’m bouncing about at 2/3am when the streets are quiet.

If the police see you jogging at that time they always ask what’s going on. I used to stop and explain the obvious but now I just keep bopping alongside them. They’re all like ‘what you running from’ and I either reply with A. ‘you lot’ or B. ‘obesity’.

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música

How many sugars someone has in their tea is the truest sign of British Sanity available. I’ll do a graph

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My little cousin (5) and her friend came over yesterday after school because they were locked outa their house. They start taking off their shoes and I’m like ‘Nah don’t worry about ya shoes’ and then I realise these are kids so I’m like ‘actually nah take them off, you’re kids, you haven’t earned the right yet. COME ON, HIP HOP HIP HOP one-two one-two, let’s go little people’.

I turn into the Gestapo or something ha

I need a guinea pig to eat my scraps. I used to have one when I was a kid, I could just hand him veg scraps and the dude was in heaven. But now I’m cleaning up, looking around for a small animal to feed, to no avail. The closest thing I have to a pet is the bin :( And he doesn’t munch the scraps he just kinda swallows them, no fun.

I clean the bath before I have a bath, just a quick spray and scrub. Dawned on me yesterday that the bath and I have a strange mutual relationship in that I clean him, then he cleans me. The good ol’ give and take.

Next door set up CCTV cameras on their exterior walls yesterday, almost like they were motivated by my last post. My only issue is I’m 90% sure one of them can see straight into my kitchen and observe me panfrying broccoli at 2 am. They’re HIKVISON 4 MP ColorVu Human Detection Fixed Turret Network Cameras which often have the default user and pass so this should be easy peazy lemons to see if naked broccoli time can continue undetected – as much as I love my body these days.

Музыка

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man lay in bath, first person, listening to opera and making waves in the bath with his cock. Waves in the bath turn into waves on the beach, massive cock in the water conducting and singing opera making waves on the beach. Really realistic.