Tomorrow when the farm boys find this

freak of nature, they will wrap his body

in newspaper and carry him to the museum.

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But tonight he is alive and in the north

field with his mother. It is a perfect

summer evening: the moon rising over

the orchard, the wind in the grass. And

as he stares into the sky, there are

twice as many stars as usual.

- Laura Gilpin

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one of you lot read the blog at silly early hours in the morning, go to bed ffs

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I’ve been away for a while, It’s not a bad thing, if anything it’s good. 

I’m writing loads. Problem is once I’ve written some weird shit for a couple of hours it promotes itself from blog material to screenplay material so I’ve got thousands of words I can’t bring myself to post due to the conflict of interest.

Doing a lot more hacker boy shite. My latest interests are Russian dating sites, promoting Eastern women to the masses of fat American Western men.

Now, sleazy low-level dating sites are often hosted abroad and have close to no online protection so it takes less than an hour to find a few open ports and see what they’re really up to. Look through their bins, reveal their sins sort of thing. Most of them act as a pretty strong way for Eastern women to secure American marriage visas. The whole find a gorgeous woman, bring her to America for marriage and the state offers them a long-term stay. American Visas are pretty valuable these days.

The more I look the more obvious that there are two distinct sides to this coin. One being a catalyst for visa offerings and the other being a direct line into American life. I place my IP in Russia and sign up as a ‘woman’ and oh my life, the number of American men looking for love, chasing the ‘unicorn’ as I’m calling it is mindblowing. Now, a low-level developer could host a site like this for profit and make a quick buck but an agency, a workforce of developers could build this online net for military-age western men and scoop them up in a matter of days. 

I came across one with more protection than it really needed, I spent all night trying to get into this thing. Like silly protection, but completely off the books, in the dark. I can’t place this thing on a map, it’s driving me nuts. You log in and it’s scary how many men are willing to lay down money to meet me, Maria, a sexy Russian lady with a passion for travel. Chasing the unicorn man, they spare no expense.

Back to the agency, not only do these people have access to data they really shouldn’t, they control a sure-fire way of getting people into America, it’s almost like they’ve weaponised love. You could send over 10-15 agents a month ready to ‘fall in love’ and they’d disappear into the population in a flash. LEGALLY.

I’m gonna keep poking it, somethings gotta give. No server is impenetrable but if I disappear this’ll be why. It’s like that time I was convinced the Dominos franchise was a front for the Russian Secret Service. I haven’t closed the book on that yet but the pizzas good and they pay their taxes so I’ll leave em’ be.

The whole thing reminds me of Hydra Market – RIP. An online drug market which dominated Russia for years. Things were just going too well for that thing, drug markets are often live for 2 years then an agency takes them down but Hydra was up for ages and I swear to god that server was overseen by a person of power in Russia, someone to swat away the international agency flies. 

That’s enough Russia stuff.

WiFi Enabled CCTV is super easy to jump into meaning if you have a company’s IP address you can kinda side step into their controls. There’s a company in Wisconsin, USA that has been struggling big time and investors all over the world, me included, are worried they’ve stopped production, which will result in their stock plummeting yada yada which is no good. To get a better look I jumped into their CCTV to check out if any trucks are coming and going, any sign at all that they aren’t about to fold. Sadly there was none BUT silver lining, I found myself in the CCTV next door ITS A BLOODY MONKEY FACILITY so I spent all night watching them fuck about. I’m very invested now, more so than I am in the company next door so I’ll link the camera below.

Just a heads up, they turn off cameras when the monkeys are asleep. Oh also click the bottom right-hand square button and it gives you the controls, also top left, change the size and quality improves.

Monkey Cam

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How – fucking – cute

When i’m a dad my kids are going to be like can we go to the zoo and I’ll be like nah we’ll just pull up their CCTV, do it from home. Actually fuck that, I love the zoo.

Listening to a lot of opera these days. I’m stood in Co-op with Pagliacci blasting through my headphones and I fucking cried man tears were in my eyes, it really gets to me.

cry with me

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I like to give homeless people notes bc I can’t imagine dying to get high and some cunt hands you 50p

Knock knock

Who’s there

I thought you were homeless?

Bu dum chish

It rains too much. There’s a character in hitchhikers guide to the galaxy who has a rain cloud constantly following him. I think that guy is London.

It’s raining so I canny go wandering about, some cunts still setting off fireworks down the road and there are sirens everywhere. I had a little moment yesterday where I was carrying a pizza back to the flat and sparked a joint on the way and a copper flipped on his siren, in traffic, and startled me, i nearly dropped the damn pizza so with joint in one hand and pizza in the other I’m all waving my hands in the air like wtf was that for only to snap back to reality before I ended up getting in an argument, with a copper, with a joint hanging out of my mouth. I love having a police station on my road because you never see police on foot. Fascinates me that any undercover working from that area uses the same tube station as me.

If you fall for someone in London and don’t know how to find them are you supposed to ride the tube all day hoping you bump into them? Some people you canny just call

I love reading those messages in the back of metro rush hour crush just thinking about how much someone had an impression on you that you had to declare it in the local newspaper. These people are lay in bed that night and just conclude that publishing a column on their feelings is the best way to go.

I remember my first ever business startup I got the front page of the business section in Ashbourne News Telegraph. I know I know, man’s famous. I’ll have to dig that out sometime. It’s easier than you think to get into your local newspaper. Turns out Ashbourne isn’t the electric epicentre of news we once thought. Fascinates me that half the interesting stuff that happened around there never touched the local news. A few years back a decent-sized marijuana operation was taken down just outside of town, which blew 15-year-old Matt’s mind. Not a single thing in the news, which really pissed me off, surely I wasn’t the only kid interested in knowing wtf that was all about. That place was dry as the sun when it came to ďřùğş so I figured they were holding up the whole don’t shit where you eat kinda mentality.

I’ve got a new project on the go which requires a couple of 3D models rendered in HD. I’m too lazy to set the server up as a render farm bc it’s only 10 images so my poor mac is SWEATING processing these pictures at night. I swear I load the models and click start and I hear him sigh. If the machines take over I’ll be sentenced to death for what I’m putting this thing through, mans huffing and puffing over here.

3 mins of bliss

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Uh oh, menu without prices – this better be good.

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Showing your face at a bank, strictly for criminals. I don’t know, I just think half the world has online banking and no one’s ever doing anything more complex than paying in or out. Unless you’re a criminal. They walk in and the teller goes ‘oh, see, look this person is doing silly things with money, why else would they need to be chatting to me’. Maybe because he/she knows that your silly banking app can’t bounce, split and segregate funds into the abyss. It seems like desk workers at the bank view their monitor as an arcade game and they win if they can fulfil your silly complex request. You could put 10 money launderers in a row, ask a banker to pick them out and they’d still point the other way. These people are the first line of defence in combating the criminal world and yet the hurdle is merely a step.

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I’m at natwest yeah and the ATM is all beep bopping saying limit reached so I roll inside, went a little like this

Employee: how can I help

Matt: I need to lift my ATM limits

Employee: sure, to what amount

Matt: just take them off

Employee: well I can’t just remove them, you have to give an amount

Matt: okay well what’s the limit

Employee: I don’t think there is one

Matt: no limit? okay try 200 grand

Employee: done

Matt: and that’s cool with you

Employee: of course

Matt: surprised face

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I swear these systems are so out-dated

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Next time you get presented with a screen to tip put a minus before your amount and it’ll credit your account. Meal was 50, tip -100 or (100) and it’ll cover the 50 bill and credit your account 50, if the final amount is negative it thinks it’s issuing a refund, so it does. A human would spot this, this wouldn’t fly in a cash transaction – but a computer? It does exactly what it’s told.

No more tips and tricks it’s bedtime

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moosic

Christmas but you can only buy presents off the shopping channel.

I love this stuff, you know it’s crazy. All junk but the guy’s all coked up chatting at a thousand words a second and you start nodding to yourself like yeah…yeah, it-chops-it-slices-it-dices, one knife for everything. I like the sound of this, I like this a lot and look I get the box free if I order now, wow beep bop beep and before you know it you’re on the phone to some chick in Milton Keynes placing an order.

I was sitting there chanting at the TV when Cokey Mike was demonstrating a drone, hoping to god he fuck it up and wipe out half the crew.

He’s banging on saying they’ll be out of stock until after Christmas so buy now and I’m thinking where do I know this drone setup from, the double camera, fold into the pocket control from your phone and it clicks that I’ve seen these drones all over Ukraine dropping grenades on Russian lads so no shit they’re on back order until after Christmas; they’re practically weapons at this point. There’ll be thousands bought up and shipped into Eastern Europe every day. Poor kids, just want a drone for Christmas but they’re busy dropping munitions on teenagers in ditches.

I can think of a thousand and one ways to weaponise these things, you could sit a mile down from the airport and fly them into jet engines. That shit often comes with a 25-year sentence plus ‘bird striking’ commercial airlines is a line I’m yet to cross. We’ll move on.

The second a drone is seen over an airport they halt everything, nothing comes in, and nothing goes out. You could jump into Gatwick public WiFi, host a donation splash page that pops up whenever someone connects just saying ‘I’m flying the drone blocking all air traffic, you lot donate till we hit 10 grand and I’ll bring it down.’ What’s the cost of bringing an airport to a standstill for an hour, I think 10 grand would be doable. All flights on hold, everyone watching the pot fill up, second it’s full the drone goes, and flights are active again. Maybe when the donations are at 100% we refresh and host a fake Ryanair landing trumpet and cheer video with some Irish voiceover like “tank you for flying FraudulantFlights, last year 95% of our ransoms were paid in full. We hope to inconvenience you again soon.” bash a ‘Just Stop Oil’ banner at the end and the cops will be chasing their tails for months.

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For those who haven’t endured a Ryanair flight -
Ryanair Landing Tune

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People think when you die you meet God. Personally, I think everything will go dark and a trumpet blast in the distance with some voiceover like ‘Thanks for your help in populating Earth, last year 200 million people died of cancer I gave them. Cheerio my little hairless Ape!’

I’ve gotta stop smoking w###, these ideas are so silly

I need to start documenting what position I fall asleep in each night, I feel like I spend an hour scrambling about looking for the best spot. I woke up this morning hugging a pillow, which was nice – really warm. Left me wondering if something’s missing, then again when I fall asleep with someone in my arms I get an overwhelming sense of responsibility to ensure they’re at their peak comfort. I spent a lot of time with a girl at uni who would get pissed if I wasn’t lying in bed with her by 1 am sharp which I often wasn’t bc I’m a mess and when I’m zoned in on something days can disappear so it was a hard goal to meet. Those days I’d catch myself cycling to the library at 3 am in search of books on weird shit to blow my mind and stop in the middle of the road just wondering what in the fuck I was doing with my life.

I never want to be punished with no sex. I want to foster a sexual foundation that gives just as much as it takes, leaving both of us reliant on mutual pleasure with the comfort that neither would dare deprive the other of such a feeling.

I talk to myself a lot. Was running up the stairs earlier saying “am I crazy?” Then two steps later I replied, “I bloody hope so”. I’m scared of getting old and slow and grainy, I need a bitta’ pazazz.

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Song of da week:

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One thing I like about me is I only ever have to set one alarm, and I’m up. Does take me an hour to get any clothes on and function like an adult but that’s a cost of business. Silver lining to being a bad sleeper, there’s no worry you’ll fall back to sleep.

I’ve been trying to lock in 8 hours a night, in it for 2 full sleep cycles but honestly, I think it makes me slower. You can do all your nighttime shit in 1 sleep cycle so 4h is what works for me. Sadly 6h is what I usually get, meaning I’m dragging my ass out of bed mid-sleep cycle, in the depths of drowsiness and dream. I cracked the code on sleep problems a while back, it’s all about making yourself tired. You wake up early, you sleep early. Took me 23 years to reverse the simplest equation.

I hate having a schedule, like wake up at x sleep at y, each day every day. I feel like there’s a better word than schedule. Anyway, the whole act makes me feel my brain melting and drooping its way down into a pit of routine. That’s the word I couldn’t remember, routine. Forget schedules I’m on about routines. I think they’re healthy. I think navigating through time with an element of structure is a wise man’s game but there are no openings for the smaller stuff that completed your day. The kind of things that allow you to differentiate by feeling rather than date. I like the flexibility, the anonymity to your timeline.

What’s Matt doing?
No one fucking knows

It allows you to value your time, treat it as a luxury. You structure and organise things that you don’t value.

Like cows, give a man 1,000 cows he’ll number each and assign them a slot. Same cows, different day. I like to let my cows roam free, open fields baby. Couple of goats, few chicken, no numbers no slots. Just eat when you’re hungry and sleep when it’s dark. Cows don’t belong in a line, they should be treated as gas, just filling the area they have.

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