Employer: Would you pass a drug test?

Me: Hell yeah, I know every drug in the book

It’s cats with shoes that get me confused.

Claws on paws mean mittens on kittens,

so scratches are soft yet still, I get bitten.

‍

i’m a fucking poet

I’m too high, that’s the problem.

The earth’s gonna be gone soon anyway, go nuts.

Last night was the first I’d spent without using cocaine, ketamine, speed, hash, MDMA and weed and tabacco I guess. The cocaine is the biggest issue due to its toxicity and frequent use so I’ll be writing about that. Not to get emotional or anything but life seems hard to live when you’re dead so it had to stop or it would have stopped itself.

The withdrawal symptoms are more than noticeable but all I can do is tick them off a mental list of ‘things that one may or may not feel when reducing the use of nose clams and other silly substances’. The paranoia is real, and easily the most prominent. I won’t delve into detail as I’ll sound like a fucking nutter and I know what I am, I’m working on this so just sit back, relax and trust the process.

The firework display in my vision at around 4am accompanied by my body’s need to sweat constantly for 2 hours was the most my dumb little brain could do to remind me that I hadn’t done a line for some time. It’s 8:16am, I’m reading back my writing with some fluidity but any external expression of emotion like speech is pretty fragmented so I’m sticking to internal so as not to seem like I’m struggling.

As shit as I feel my heart is almost thankful for his night off, which makes me feel I’m going in the right direction. I’ve been told my memory will come back over time, that would be cool.

When you overuse stimulants your life is stripped of natural moments and replaced with artificial sparks of happiness, something you can only replicate with the drug. Cocaine is addictive. I never saw myself as ever being a cocaine addict because the highs never felt the kind that I’d be chasing, and they weren’t. The euphoria disappears after a month of constant use. All you have left is the feeling that your body isn’t in pain, for a short burst of time. Your tolerance goes sky high in the space of weeks leaving you to buy more and more just to feel level. Sadly, she is no longer the playboy seductress I once thought. Only a siren waiting to corrupt your spirit. Long time readers will be aware, this isn’t the first time I’ve fallen for the wrong girl.

That’s enough for now.

I’m spending a lot of time by the water. It’s funny, you go down to water level when the tides are low and you half expect to see Samaritan adverts stuck to the sea walls. The whole act has a somewhat suicidal feeling to it.

It’s nice being down there. My favourite spot lets you walk down to the beach and sit under the walkway. There’s something very calming about hearing people walk around above you, with that somewhat anxious pace like they have somewhere truly important to be yet we all know they’re just going home, to a flat they can hardly afford and a cat who wouldn’t notice if they never returned. In school, I learnt about electricity lost on transport to its environment. 1000v is sent, 999v is received. It’s almost like the walkway is a cable, buzzing with electric life and me, listening to Muse under them is the few volts lost to its environment.

‍

I enjoy London, at least I think I do. More likely it’s where I am so my subconscious has dealt a ‘deal with it’ card, so life continues with joy.

‍

I have a new job, which is nice. Means I have to spend more time in the centre which I’m not opposed to but then there’s only so much paper cup coffee one man can take before you start to question what piece you are in this galactic puzzle.

‍

There’s a girl. It almost scares me, opening up to let someone in. Nervous to the chance they won’t like what they find. I guess that’s all part of the game, a game I’m yet to win. As I see it, there are no winners in love. I wouldn’t call them losers either, they fall in-between.

There is one girl I’m starting to wish I’d never met. Now and then someone slips through the cracks and it’s less a risk of opening up and more finding them in there, almost as though they’ve been in there all along.

‍

Since the Samaritans were linked to the NHS I feel the type of men who just wants to talk wouldn’t dare call them up for the fear of being taken seriously. I’ve always wanted to set up a phone network of just normal lads happy to pick up the phone every once in a while to listen to someone talk. Of course, we’d pass them onto the Samaritans if they were close to the edge but often all the brain needs is someone to listen. Normal men, men with families, jobs, kids with an hour spare in their day to switch on a mobile and pick up if it rings. If I find some time I might give it a shot.

‍

Song:

If zoos let you check out animals like library books

Matt: Walks up to desk with monkey on shoulders, slaps down zoo card

Attendant: you cant have the monkey, you already have a lion and a goat checked out. Plus the goat is 3 weeks overdue.

Matt: listen you can have the lion, I’ll bring him back tomorrow

Attendant: what about the goat

Matt: i’m keeping the goat

Attendant: You can’t keep the goat

Matt: i’ll pay the damn fee but put it this way you ain’t getting the goat back

Attendant: do you still have possession of the goat

Matt: of course

Attendant: …

Matt: listen I take good care of my animals. They’re both very happy, very well fed.

Attendant: and the lion?

Matt: especially the lion

Attendant: what

Matt: what

The End

‍

‍

today I realised its Girls Aloud not Girls Allowed

‍

‍

events are getting way more laid back with their canapés. if its ever my wedding i’m gonna have fat strips of pepper topped with a single monster munch separated by lines of cocaine

monster munch are the guerilla terrorist of the food industry 

‍