Shit to say:

Scared of dogs

Choccy nibs phenomenon

New desk

I have all sorts to write about. I read back through my notebooks and can’t help but flick a few pages back. My memory remains in a bad way, so each page presents text I have no recollection of scribbling down. Some of the hits over the past few have been preparation and wording for breakups, followed closely by a good 30 pages on what I’m calling the choccy nibs phenomenon.

I’ve never been too strong at presenting my feelings to anyone, so the notes help. Each tense conversation that’s occurred in the past year between me and someone with a vested interest in my heart comes with an in-depth cheat sheet on words to and to not say. I am aware this makes me look like a complete freak, but it’s how things must be done if progress is to be made. I correlate this change with the turn of times when I stopped drinking and doing other things that usually piqued my confidence. Back then I’d be happy for all-out emotional warfare but now I prefer to know what the fuck I mean before I assure my listener I do.

What’s next -  right the dogs. I’m not scared of dogs, I love dogs. There’s no better way to round off a day than scrubbing and squeezing the head of your local dog. I spent a good amount of time around a dog who I now know as a badly behaved dog. Being around that dog was fine, I loved him, I understood him and I truly cared about him. He was a nob around other dogs, to the point where walking him meant avoiding them at all costs which was sometimes hard to do. So passing them within say 5 metres had my eyes wide, heart thumping and fight or flight kicking the fuck off, full pelt. He had a scrap with another dog that wandered up to him once and the guy went mad and I wanted to die, I mean I felt like I was dying and M##### who was standing next to me through this whole ordeal looked horrified, and rightly god damn so. The guy wouldn’t accept my apology and refused to take my number in case the dog was hurt and just kept telling me if it happens again he’ll kill my dog and I’m stood there with one thought like yeah solid sounds good I get it mate I’m truly sorry and another just prodding me like bang this lad out, plug the dog and his, bury them out here, grab M##### and we’ll live out our days in Thailand or something. 2 nights or so later I was lying in bed and had a panic attack just lay there which is mad and I know I know panic attacks like who is this pussy but honestly, until you’ve had one full-blown you can stfu. In summary, dogs have my heart beating like fook.

So here we are, it’s March 2025 and I haven’t seen that dog in close to a year – he’s someone else’s problem now. But now I see dogs in the street and my heart starts racing and I can feel my head start prepping for the worst EVEN THOUGH I have no dog, I’m walking alone and the pup I’m looking at is no more than 2 months old so what the hell am I freaking out about. Whatever it is, it’s starting to take the piss. God damn dog ptsd. It can’t continue, I need to find a dog to reintegrate myself into the dog lovers’ community again. Or I’ll end up a cat guy then I’m fucked

We’ll go over choccy nibs another day, it’s long

Being single when you’re ill sucks

I’m just ill. No soup, no warm bed just headaches and puffy face

I do not believe in coincidence. Out of all the ships for that thing to hit it nailed a US fuel vessel. I don’t care that it was at anchor. I don’t care if the Captain is blind. This dead guy is the key to all

If I have to get out of bed to get laptop to embed this song idk if ill make it back alive so song of week is Weird Fishes / Arpeggi – Radio Head

Me and O### had beans on pancakes for tea, surprisingly good. A little like a hotel buffet breakfast when your beans make friends with your little pancakes on the plate and you just crack on. We’re calling the meal Skin Heads on Rafts, my mums idea.

Today I am sad. Let’s switch to binary.

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for £4,207 / month google will do you a mammoth Virtual Machine with 96 vCPUs – 45GiB Ram and 8 NVIDIA GPUs

for an extra 22 grand / month they’ll let you play with a NVIDIA H100 GPU

which between us is a bit of a rip off

between a family car and the ability to have my AI rap to me in real time, i’ll take the motor

on the topic, i’m fine tuning this AI with all my conversation data in the hopes that we can finally switch on a decent auto replier for my whatsapp. The original was a complete square and sounded nothing like me. Plus he signed up to all sorts of social commitments, which put real matt in the hot seat. The new guy is getting there, and flags anything that might tangle real matt

I wanted to have it read every book i’ve read but i ditched the kindle years ago and don’t know how I feel about pirating literature, even zucks is in the shit for that. Another time. We can’t have him growing too powerful, i’ll be out a job.

there’ll be an ex out there thinking why the fuck would anyone want another matt but trust, once this AI builds his own, i’ll be on easy street babyyyyyy swimming everyday, pancakes for breakfast lunch dinner and maybe we buy a boat – stay tuned

I miss the days i used to save up for kit, watch every single unboxing of the thing that hits the web and sit there shaking as I open it 2 or 3 months after i’d started saving for the thing

nintendo ds, take me back to DS days.

Sadly, I was amongst the 0.0054% of children who opted for a PSP come christmas instead of the DS. Don’t get me wrong, there were nintendos in the gaff but i was the proud owner of a play station portable with Worms and Burnout Legends. It was good but no PictoChat and no mario cart local play.

The first time the word sex was ever thrown my way was on PictoChat, Chat Room B at 8:30pm on a Saturday night in M###### S########‘s bedroom on my brothers DS to M######‘s older sister, R### in the other room. I was doing that thing where you colour in the whole message box and send, return, send to block up the whole chat because I was what? 9? and amongst my spam of black boxes she wrote

I want to have sex with you <3

and I replied something mad like maybe in the morning night night, freaked out and closed the lid fucking shaking. Keep in mind, if we’re ignoring N##### practically eating me on the school field, your lad hadn’t even had his first kiss yet. This chick was moving mad.

And then! Like I could forget – J## and F### are scrapping at home, i’m sat on the sofa messing with TeleText, J and F are being dicks so mum comes running in and grabs what she thinks is one of their DS’s and launches the thing at the wall. Everything stops, ballsy move but sure worked. Big gasp from Joe, I stand up and see my PSP fucking mashed on the floor. Mother threw my PSP against the wall :( I wasn’t really arsed, the thing was shit but still, mental. What a power move from mum through. I mean how was she to know what these things were we were playing with but to grab my thing and smash it as if to say pattern up J## and F### or i’ll make your innocent brother cry That ladies and gents is a power move.