Bees in the brain.

You have a meeting with the LSD lot in 10 so keep an eye on the time.

I’ve recently had my mind blown. I’m in the early stages of having my brain looked into. ADHD has come up in conversation a few times and it’s looking pretty likely that’s a path my brain has travelled. I’m alright with that, it’d explain a lot and after all, I’ve kept this stuff quite well hidden, in my opinion. Anyway, while I wait for my full rundown the specialist pointed me towards some online communities to try and get an understanding of the things I didn’t realise that no one else does and the things I can start to see that there are people out there that do these things. One funny one I came across was r/adhdmemes on Reddit. Was so strange, never related to something so much in my life. Which leaves me in two schools of thought. Either lie to the doctor and say I can’t relate to this stuff at all or become comfortable with the narrative that I may be like the fuck ups I’ve always worried I was. Big crossroads for Matt. It’s like the dyslexia thing. The last thing I want to be in dyslexic, I find it excruciatingly embarrassing in some scenarios – to the point where I’m turning down extra time and help at uni to keep up just so I don’t have to share it with anyone else or have this shit written down next to my name. I’d rather go through the unbearable time limits and get marked on my fucking awful grammar in reports than ever admit I have an issue I can’t solve.

One area of ADHD I’m interested in is medication. Not even because I’m wildly interested in drugs, just that for years I’ve been somewhat self-medicating trying to reach the end goal of distracting myself to the point of actually getting shit done. Can’t imagine what it’d be like to just be able to concentrate on shit. Also, I find something very walming about a close friend or partner knowing that’s how my brain functions. Like there’s plenty of shit I can’t explain but that’s how shit got to be for me to survive in this world and I’m running out of ways to explain these things to ‘normal’ people without sounding utterly insane. Just to have someone care about me in these weird little ways. Like little spoons, no idea why I always use them but the thought of those big fucking spoons joe uses for his peaches freaks me the fuck out. Why do I spend a week sleeping without bedding when I decide to change it just because my head can’t get around taking sheets off and putting new ones on? Why can’t I just sit down and do the things I know are important and constantly on my mind. Anyway, rant over. I’m excited to get this shit sorted, find an easier way to co-exist with my own weird ways.