Fatboy Slim is skinny af

Time to cut down on the drugs. The dog can’t take it anymore. Every 10 mins I dive onto the bed to scrub her head like mad and berate her about how much I love her. Think she’s getting tired of my shenanigans. Plus the nose bleeds. My ear bled today, I don’t know if it’s anything to do with the drugs or maybe I slept bad but it just started like bleeding this evening. WebMD says cancer, then again that’s their go-to for most medical related stuff. WebMD is American. You own a pharmaceutical company that fulfils GP appointments, big money maker. You make a small investment every quarter to WebMD, probably a few hundred thousand, to throw in the C word on 75% of their hosted pages. GP visits skyrocket, so does your revenue, everyone’s happy. This is fine when you’re doing over health insurance providers but my ass is sat comfy under the watchful yet friendly eye of the NHS. And they take the C word very seriously, so seriously it lead to a spike in taxes a few years ago.

I want a pet that I can keep in my pocket. None of this micropig bollocks, something that’ll just sleep all day. Take him to meetings. Share my lunch with him, you get my drift. I’ve got a big ol’ metal splinter in my hand I swear Time Team are eyeing it up for a dig, it’s really buried in there.

My mum makes me write the shopping list so she can laugh at my spelling.

It’s about time dealers started mixing coke with icing sugar, I’m sick of the petrol taste down my throat.

Wrote me maa an art shopping list. I need paint and something to paint on. Simple stuff really but watch closely as I fuck it up major, true matt style. I’m sorry but wtf co-op ran out of wine today. Stroked a horse too, and took a dog home who was wandering around in the road. Fuck I’m a good guy. Defo wasn’t so I could chat to the horse gal. I lied, it was. She’s the only person under 45 in this place, I should make some local friends.

I’ve got this huge temptation to fly into Afghanistan. Bad idea though because terrorism. Did you know matt that Taliban means Seakers? Let’s not go down that road, Taliban bad.

Imma go IKEA tomorrow, gives me a logistical hard-on.

Next post will be about the AI Dealer, probably the best idea this noggin has ever had baby.

I’m part-time Bi, I enjoy gay porn, I check out the gardener for the estate and I still dream about Thomas Shelby. Maybe I’ll tell my mum, nah fuck that, I’ll just post it to the internet for the whole world to see you fucking lemon go to bed ikea tomorrow