Christmas but you can only buy presents off the shopping channel.
I love this stuff, you know it’s crazy. All junk but the guy’s all coked up chatting at a thousand words a second and you start nodding to yourself like yeah…yeah, it-chops-it-slices-it-dices, one knife for everything. I like the sound of this, I like this a lot and look I get the box free if I order now, wow beep bop beep and before you know it you’re on the phone to some chick in Milton Keynes placing an order.
I was sitting there chanting at the TV when Cokey Mike was demonstrating a drone, hoping to god he fuck it up and wipe out half the crew.
He’s banging on saying they’ll be out of stock until after Christmas so buy now and I’m thinking where do I know this drone setup from, the double camera, fold into the pocket control from your phone and it clicks that I’ve seen these drones all over Ukraine dropping grenades on Russian lads so no shit they’re on back order until after Christmas; they’re practically weapons at this point. There’ll be thousands bought up and shipped into Eastern Europe every day. Poor kids, just want a drone for Christmas but they’re busy dropping munitions on teenagers in ditches.
I can think of a thousand and one ways to weaponise these things, you could sit a mile down from the airport and fly them into jet engines. That shit often comes with a 25-year sentence plus ‘bird striking’ commercial airlines is a line I’m yet to cross. We’ll move on.
The second a drone is seen over an airport they halt everything, nothing comes in, and nothing goes out. You could jump into Gatwick public WiFi, host a donation splash page that pops up whenever someone connects just saying ‘I’m flying the drone blocking all air traffic, you lot donate till we hit 10 grand and I’ll bring it down.’ What’s the cost of bringing an airport to a standstill for an hour, I think 10 grand would be doable. All flights on hold, everyone watching the pot fill up, second it’s full the drone goes, and flights are active again. Maybe when the donations are at 100% we refresh and host a fake Ryanair landing trumpet and cheer video with some Irish voiceover like “tank you for flying FraudulantFlights, last year 95% of our ransoms were paid in full. We hope to inconvenience you again soon.” bash a ‘Just Stop Oil’ banner at the end and the cops will be chasing their tails for months.
For those who haven’t endured a Ryanair flight -
Ryanair Landing Tune
People think when you die you meet God. Personally, I think everything will go dark and a trumpet blast in the distance with some voiceover like ‘Thanks for your help in populating Earth, last year 200 million people died of cancer I gave them. Cheerio my little hairless Ape!’
I’ve gotta stop smoking w###, these ideas are so silly
I need to start documenting what position I fall asleep in each night, I feel like I spend an hour scrambling about looking for the best spot. I woke up this morning hugging a pillow, which was nice – really warm. Left me wondering if something’s missing, then again when I fall asleep with someone in my arms I get an overwhelming sense of responsibility to ensure they’re at their peak comfort. I spent a lot of time with a girl at uni who would get pissed if I wasn’t lying in bed with her by 1 am sharp which I often wasn’t bc I’m a mess and when I’m zoned in on something days can disappear so it was a hard goal to meet. Those days I’d catch myself cycling to the library at 3 am in search of books on weird shit to blow my mind and stop in the middle of the road just wondering what in the fuck I was doing with my life.
I never want to be punished with no sex. I want to foster a sexual foundation that gives just as much as it takes, leaving both of us reliant on mutual pleasure with the comfort that neither would dare deprive the other of such a feeling.
I talk to myself a lot. Was running up the stairs earlier saying “am I crazy?” Then two steps later I replied, “I bloody hope so”. I’m scared of getting old and slow and grainy, I need a bitta’ pazazz.
Song of da week: