men cry it's alright

Dream – Rufus’s last day. Took him for a big walk then we got home and we’re playing and this like priest came in. I explained how it’s a sad day because we think it’s his last and well the priest didn’t flinch, just kept playing with Rufus who was ecstatic that someone had entered the room, as usual. I start to see blood on Rufus’s chest and the priest brings him over to me and we lie down and I hold him, side by side and look at him. He looks at me, scared and says “no, big discussion before I go” and I said it’s okay we’ll talk up there, pointed up and he was like where’s that and I said it’s where we go after this. The pain in his eyes and his chest covered in blood but I was holding him so it felt okay. At that moment I wanted to believe in ‘up there’ as much as I wanted to persuade him it was real. Jesus christ I’m actually crying writing this. Post dream notes

I don’t believe in heaven, I can’t justify it in my head. That there’s somewhere after this. But in moments like that, I’d do anything, I’d do anything to try to lighten the load, to be able to put someone at ease with the prospect of an afterlife.

We’ll talk up there
What’s up there?
It’s whatever we want it to be

I guess ‘whatever I want’ is time, it’s more time. It’s time around the people I love, whilst they’re happy and healthy. Makes me wonder if I’m wasting it, should I be reaching out to the people I miss? There is nothing after this so what, what do I need to spend more time with the dog is that it? What are you trying to tell me? No no, it’s bigger than that, this isn’t a reminder, it’s a structure, a storyline. Mortality is a gift. One day, we die. So spend it well. Be around the people you love because one day, you’ll give anything to rewind that clock.

Somehow tonight I’ve started to understand why my mum was religious.

Take my mum, who lost her sister and mother very young, she had hardly any time with them. So in those moments, the principle of more time seems invaluable, the best concept in this world. To small Helen, she’ll be resting on the knowledge that they’re gone now but no worry I’ll see them in heaven. And for me to come along and be like nah no heaven, no god, it’s all a con. How do I explain this? For me the prospect of no god, I have nothing to lose. But my mum, small Helen would struggle to come to terms with the knowledge that the place she’ll see the people she loves, the people she misses, well there’s a chance that place never existed, that’s a lot for someone to comprehend – especially if these thoughts were developed when you were a child. Heartbreaking – God, I’m going deep here.

So does that make freedom an absolute, like, you either come to terms with the prospect that time goes on forever through the use of an afterlife or time ends when we die and either way you’re rewarded with a happier, more fulfilled life because your soul has somewhat subscribed to the idea of an absolute? My mum chose the route of the first and me the latter because I have no one to miss and small Helen had all her chips bet on the prospect that heaven is real, that God is real that someday she will see the people she loved the people who meant so much to her but you never got the chance to show because you were a kid and well, they were your mum, your older sister. You were too little, hell- you were too small. The image of my mum as a child at her mums funeral is ripping me apart inside

I’m starting to hate myself for ever mentioning the idea that there may not be anything after this, because that would have hurt her, I’m sure. I need to be more thankful for this place, just because I don’t believe doesn’t mean I should have to convert everyone else. Freedom of thought.

Jesus was that a dream or a nightmare. The priest knew what was happening all along, that’s why he was there. To smooth the road

Reminds me of the Book Thief. Loved that fucking book. When I read I want to put that fucker down and it take me out of action for a week

back to bed matty

Check out this gorgeous radiohead cover by Kina Grannis if you’d like a soundtrack for this post