• Energy and Industrial Strategy

    Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen Right now I got to tell you about The fabulous Most groovy bellbottoms Hu Bellbottoms! Hu I’ll start off with 60 odd words…


  • olives

    Scotland offered a life I could live, but my coat isn’t warm enough and job in London so couldn’t stay forever.  One thing I loved about Spain is no one…


  • silly sausage

    Let’s say you’re Gennady Ayvazyan Russian millionaire, worth a few quid and under investigation for various bollocks but soon enough will end up on a sanctioned list, you’ve got a…


  • suited and booted

    Employer: Would you pass a drug test? Me: Hell yeah, I know every drug in the book


  • whos cat is this

    It’s cats with shoes that get me confused. Claws on paws mean mittens on kittens, so scratches are soft yet still, I get bitten. ‍ i’m a fucking poet


  • sad

    I’m too high, that’s the problem. The earth’s gonna be gone soon anyway, go nuts. Last night was the first I’d spent without using cocaine, ketamine, speed, hash, MDMA and…


  • like a boomerang

    I’m spending a lot of time by the water. It’s funny, you go down to water level when the tides are low and you half expect to see Samaritan adverts…


  • new job

    If zoos let you check out animals like library books Matt: *Walks up to desk with monkey on shoulders, slaps down zoo card* Attendant: you cant have the monkey, you…


  • Bastet, daughter of Re

    Back to the cats – and about god damn time We’re getting through the cat food, I think we have three cats on the go atm. I’m sure of two,…


  • what kinda dog is that

    I do yoga every night before bed. I get bored 2 mins in so I start by taking a shot of vodka and a couple ibuprofen to be relaxed and…