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Ikea was sick
I’m out of ####. I ain’t buying any more. I’m happy though. Time to come back down to Earth, Pluto’s fun but it’s hard to breathe. Starting to worry I…
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.gov
The first thing I do when I get home is to check the police aren’t sat in my living room. I don’t think there’ll ever be a time where I…
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Fatboy Slim is skinny af
Time to cut down on the drugs. The dog can’t take it anymore. Every 10 mins I dive onto the bed to scrub her head like mad and berate her…
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atoms
I find it funny that humans are just a bunch of atoms. And we get close with someone and our atoms are like ‘yeah I wanna spend some more time…
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Flight MU573
Imagine flying a plane and its systems decide to malfunction and swap its X and Y-axis. Forward is down, up is forward. Within seconds the plane’s balance would be working…
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charity shop jeans + no haircut = sexy matt
Eli (Dog next door) is a cunt. I’m gonna drop kick that fucker to Leicester I swear Fuck fair fuck that whole thing I did something about it and it…
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goose fair
You know when you buy a snack ‘for later’ and you just don’t eat it. Yeah that’s me Some things just aren’t fair. But we use fairness as a gauge…
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mirrors
I think mirrors are a wholly psychological thing. Like sure you’re seeing a reflection of the light bouncing off a mirror and into your eyes but the second both versions…
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time
Drunk sad matt If I could pause time, I would. I don’t know if we’re the right people for eachother, I don’t think I’ll ever know something like that…
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lazy lester
Stick with me whilst I show you how one guy can live on a single sleep cycle a night. The lad on my cig pack looks better shape than me.…